When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
me before I type out affect or effect
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Is….Is this an option?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
why no one uses midhusbands
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
🙁
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.