Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?