Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
same vibe as tangled headphones
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Love this one 😂🧟
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance