Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.