ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Why soy sad?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Seekh Kebab
Not attention