Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
No, YOUR illiterate.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
what’s more important?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect