wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Brother?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.