Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Are we there yet?…
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“I’m helping” 😅
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves