Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.