You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
You Might Also Like
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here