me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork