i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.