Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress