I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
You Might Also Like
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?