It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.