An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Going into Monday like
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.