If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start