Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
True
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.