This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Close call…
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain