[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.