Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
the short answer to this question
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached