If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
i prefer mine room temperature.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.