bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Cats (2019)
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.