I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
You Might Also Like
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Think I pulled my liver
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]