UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I love twitter
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.