I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me driving through Toronto
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.