I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Phones down.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
😂😂
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Mhm.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]