getting groceries
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
the short answer to this question
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
S O O N
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering