ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
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getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.