*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.