i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.