Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “