Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”