Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
All set.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?