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BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)