He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
do what now??
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok