Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
You Might Also Like
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My work here is don’t.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles