[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it