My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I wish I could veto my bills.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Jail
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.