Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.