Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing