me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
thinking about a very short hotdog
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls