I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Spring cleaning checklist…
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Yoga Matt