[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house