evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
yeah not falling for this one
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The French cow says MEUX…