Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
You Might Also Like
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.