centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You Might Also Like
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I am patiently waiting for your email
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court