Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing