Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
i’m laughing very hard in real life
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too