reminder
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Awwwww shit.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…